Ranking the DMV

by Andre Welbon

With the Season Tour canceled for this year, I have a bit of time on my hands and rosters to leaf through, so I thought it would be nice to Rank every UBA Franchise in the DMV from 1st to 23rd to see how every Franchise would stack up. The rankings are solely based on each Franchise’s roster and how things would turn out if the DMV North and South combined as one District and fought it out in a full UBA Season. Let’s see where everyone stacks up. Rankings will be from last to first.

#23 – HOT POCKETS: Looking at the roster, this team should be pretty formidable, but with all of the question marks regarding how active the bowlers have been, how comfortable they are bowling outside of their home house, and never seeing them compete in a UBA environment, this leaves a lot of mysteries unanswered. Therefore, they get the Last Place Ranking.

#22 – DA STONERS: Da Stoners have some talent on their roster, but they tend to underachieve. The other 21 teams in the Districts have shown greater consistency and this is the reason for their lack of success.

#21 – PIN KRUSHERS: PK has a very capable team, but too many interchangeable parts. This leads to erratic bowling and lack of continuity. More consistency in the roster could see this Franchise with greater success in the near future.

#20 – VIPERS: The lack of a formidable scratch pair really hurts this squad. Maybe they can address this and, if so, this could lead to future success.

#19 – FRAMED FOR MURDA: This is a team of talented handicap bowlers, unfortunately their scratch bowlers are primarily non-existent. Scratch creates leads and handicap holds them. Without the ability to field a lineup of bowlers that can shoot 700 plus on a regular in any given house in the area will limit this Franchise’s ability to succeed and get into the playoffs.

#18 – INFAMOUS: This is a pretty talented squad on paper. They have a decent scratch presence with a lot of talented handicap bowlers. Erratic performances in the clutch has undermined this Franchise’s success.

#17 – CHARM CITY CHAOS: A talented team, but like many of the lower-tiered Franchises, they lack substantial scratch presence. Handicap can only do so much. Without the ability to rely on heavy hitters, this Franchise is limited in the amount of growth they can experience.

#16 – NOVA BEASTMODE: This Franchise has made amazing strides in adding truly talented bowlers. Tyrone Johnson, Denard Bankston, Sam Anderson, just to name a few, are extremely talented and can score anywhere. However, the lack of a solid Handicap 2 presence puts them at significant risk if the scratch and handicap 1 pairs are not shooting lights out. This unfortunately keeps them from being a top-tier squad.

#15 – CONTRACT KILLAZ: This is Franchise full of talent. However, the lack of consistent performances out of their bowlers when needed undermines their success. A solid roster rotation would go a long way to sustained success for this Franchise.

#14 – THE EXPENDABLES: This is a super talented squad, but its handicap pairs can be a liability at times. Consistent performances from the handicap squads and this Franchise is top 10 in the DMV.

#13 – DYNASTY: This Franchise simply knows how to win. Their roster has taken some hits and setbacks in the recent years, but a winner knows how to perform when the lights are on. Their pairs seem to know how to get it done when necessary. However, their roster, on paper, simply is not as strong as the others ahead of them in this ranking.

#12 – BODY BAGZ: On paper, this Franchise is a winner. However, lack of consistency in scratch and one of their handicap pairs prevents them from excelling and reaching their true potential. Match the talent to performance and this Franchise is top-tier.

#11 – MAGNA CARTA: On paper, this Franchise is at least top 7 in the DMV, without question, but the handicap pairs seem to falter in the later parts of matches. If this Franchise addresses that, then skies are the limit.

#10 – MOST WANTED: This Franchise has one of the most talented rosters in the DMV, no question. However, they will have significant issues handling the elite teams of the DMV, which is why they are not higher that #10.

#9 – APEX PREDATORS: This Franchise can field a nightmare squad when they feel like it and every bowler is capable of shooting 700 or better from any position in the lineup. This Franchise has been good for a long time and will continue to thrive under superb leadership.

#8 – KRYPTONITE: Hate them or love them, Big K has a formidable squad and can beat you from Scratch to Handicap. Rob Bateman has done a fantastic job of putting the proper amount of shit talking, drinking and talent together to field a Franchise worthy of coming out on top of the North in an abridged season. This Franchise is a perennial playoff contender.

#7 – DC MAFIA: No matter what, this Franchise pours out talented bowlers every match and they perform. The roster is top notch and can compete with any Franchise in the DMV.

#6 – BOARDWALK EMPIRE: This Franchise fields one of the most balanced and capable rosters in the DMV. They are in the position to make the playoffs every year because they are that damn good. They have no holes in their lineups and this is what makes them an elite Franchise.

#5 – IMPACT: The Big K will not like the fact that Impact is ranked higher, but the roster speaks for itself. Impact suffered major setbacks in losing a critical member to their lineup and family and still can present a ridiculously superb lineup from handicap to scratch every match up. Their bowlers are talented and veterans. They know how to win and do so more often than not. This is a top-tier Franchise no matter how you look at it.

#4 – N.W.O. WOLFPACK: When you look at a Franchise’s roster and prepare for them, it helps to be able to say this bowler is weak here or there and maybe this pair will have an off day which we can capitalize here. This is not the case for this Franchise. Every pair is good, and they bowl well with each other. When you put together a team, this could be the blueprint except for the fact that the Franchises ahead of them simply do it much better.

#3 – HIGH POWERED: This Franchise’s name could not be more symbolic as to what they bring to any match. Literally, from top to bottom, they are High Powered. They can strike and they can spare, and they are not afraid to gamble and bet on themselves. This Franchise is the elite of the elite and can compete every year for not just the best in the DMV, but the best in the UBA.

#2 – STR8 BIZNESS CARTEL: Take the best in the DMV, add some hall of famers, and you have this Franchise. They are phenomenal and versatile. They win. That is all. Chemistry, skill, talent, you name it, they have it. They would be the best, except there is one Franchise that does it better.

#1 – OUTRAGE: This Franchise is one of dreams and gives their opponents nightmares. Not one bowler that actively participates is incapable of striking and shooting 700 plus on any given day. The talent on this Franchise’s roster is literally legendary and that is why Outrage is the best Franchise in the DMV.